earth talking

Ladies and Gentlemen, Children and Undecided!

We’re about to take off soon! Apologies for the delay. We’re doing this on purpose because we’re testing you – who’ll make more mess and prove their impatience!
Unfortunately, in this game there are no medals or awards or freebies to give away.
This is not TV.

Please, don’t scatter around your belongings.
Madam, you’ve taken way too much luggage with you – all these pairs of shoes, bags, coats, cats, cat coats? Are you going on a vacation or migrating?
Don’t throw your rubbish everywhere, please people.
There’s no one to clean after you.
I’m the only air hostess here and I need your cooperation!

***

I think we may have already taken off actually. Let me check with the Pilot.
Hm, it’s strange.
There isn’t one.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Children and  Undecided!
I think I’ll have to take over with the flying.
I trust you’ll behave civilly and won’t turn this aircraft upside down.

The gaugers on the dashboard tell me that there’s a heavy imbalance on board. The fatter ones, disarm. Drop the fried chicken drums. Switch off your TV monitors and move towards the tail of the aircraft. The skinny little kids – yes you, do you speak English? No, I’m not mommy. Where’s your mommy?
Please come closer to the cockpit.
You don’t want? Who doesn’t allow you?
No, you don’t need a visa.
Just come closer, silly.
Here, have an apple.

No, Sir, there is no First Class here, we’re all in the same tin.
Can you be patient?
And please, can you tell your partner – we don’t need yet another perfume on the market.

Please, fasten your seat belts we’re taking off.
Ha, surprise we’re already off. We’ve been off for some time now.
I was wondering why my feet are already swollen and my head – heavy.
Maybe it’s lack of oxygen? Or madam’s heavy perfume.
I guess I can leave the aircraft on autopilot. No? Don’t panic people, I’m still here. I’ll just come and see how your’e doing and if anyone needs anything.
Pardon, Sir? Oh, thank you, you’re very kind.
I’m glad you’re happy with my services.
That’s because I love you all very much!

***

I’m sorry, this isn’t an ashtray, young man.
And it’s not a chewing-gum tray, either.
Could you, please, keep it in your mouth?
Not your cigarette, the chewing gum, you idiot!

What, Sir?
That’s correct, Sir. It’s non-smoking at all time.
***
Until the light above your heads goes red, you’re safe.
How’s that, ma’m?
Yes, it’s red all the time but this is just precautionary – a reminder that the light bulbs work.
No, we’re not in danger. Not that I know off.
The red light is on by default.
I said, it’s nothing to worry about, where do you think you’re going? To the Moon?
We’re all stuck in here, so sit down and don’t let anyone panic unnecessarily.
Thanks, but you can take your money back, I don’t accept bribes or tips.
I’m Planet Earth for Christ’s sake – again, sit down.
***

We’re going to serve your meals very soon, be patient.
I just want to be sure that you’re really, really hungry and you’ll eat your portions and not waste them.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Children and Undecided!
Before I leave you in peace, just one last instruction in case of an emergency landing:

  • Take your shoes off because heels may tear the evacuation slides!
  • Ma’am, this mink fur won’t serve you anything in a crash. So, stop hugging it, you ain’t taking this along.
  • There aren’t enough oxygen masks for everyone and I can’t decide for you who will get one in case of an emergency
  • Remember, there are no emergency exists. The maker of this aircraft hasn’t thought of that. Or maybe he has but forgot to put the signs…

Finally, think about what you’re capable of. It could be anything that you can contribute to a safe landing.
Use it in case of an emergency.

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2 thoughts on “earth talking

  1. Pingback: exponentially « what I would teach my kids

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