history

I wondered how one could possibly talk about history with their kids, at least from the part where beer-loving Gutenberg thought of using the wine press to make books, of all things. It’s obvious why he did it – he hated wine! But that’s besides the point.
If he didn’t ever come up with such a crazy idea, our society was going to continue making wine, drinking to oblivion in the dark and swim happily in its own puke. But mainly entertain itself – as Neil Postman would say or Roger Waters would sing – to death.

Although, now that I think of it, we still do all that. Only in the light since the Enlightenment brought about the light bulb and Pepsi.
The internet shrinks information down to gnome-size snippets (with all the respect to the gnomes that live in your garden) which makes books a bit of a waste (I mean, how much do we need to ramble on about things. Why write a whole bible on anatomy when we can make out with our colleague Vallent and figure out what’s it all about), so we don’t read any books, and we’re left with more time for…drinking, while swimming, while singing on our way to our deaths.

In other words, I believe that with everyone rushing to go to the pool party, it’s only polite to propose a super short version of the world history, get rid of the tonnes of books written on it, and get the party started. In the pool, around the pool.
Under the pool – only for those who have brought their swimming goggles.

So, put your sunnies on, kids, we’re about to depart – it’ll be a short ride and I promise I won’t bore you.
No, these aren’t 3D glasses, they’re just plain sunglasses.
This is history, not a Spielberg movie.

1900s
Mr. Ford introduces his fancy vehicle and suddenly a whole generation of horses becomes jobless and goes on a holiday in Hawaii. Of course, crafty humans will soon realise the discrepancy in the workforce and will incorporate horse meat into various traditional dishes, now that horses are no longer vehicles. Well, except to the Amish and the Elf people.

The Lumière brothers – two late Roman descendants – follow the Roman tradition of “give the public panem et circenses” and introduce their cinématographe but despite all their attempts, political debates will remain the main source of entertainment for all nations, rich and poor, with TV sets and without TV sets, till this day.

It’s about that same time when a weird dude called Pablo, wrongly assumed as Pavlov (who had a strange dog, by the way), because in Spanish “V” is pronounced as “B” such as is the word Britain, which is actually read as the Land of the Vikings, but since the Spanish Armada failed to overthrow Elisabeth I, Great Britain acquired its “B” back. So, Pablo brought about Cubism around the first decade of 1900s only to steer controversy about where exactly the human nose is situated.

"Look, Porky, I'm Picasso..."

“Look, Porky, I’m Picasso…”

To this day, Cubists argue about it and even believe that people’s ears are useless because it often happens that when you’re spoken to it goes from one ear and right out the other.

The early 20th century mourns the death of Queen Victoria but Brits don’t despair for too long subconsciously knowing that one day a fine girl will enter the royal court by marrying prince Charming with whom they will have their faces on teapots. Ah, and they’ll have lots of babies.
Everyone will be in great expectations, not in a disappointing Dickens’ way, for the first royal baby to pop, and, of course, for the princess’s, super post-pregnancy body in size 000- super gorgeous outfit.

A lot of fun leagues, ententes, and unions get signed up between regions and countries during this time.
They’ll wait for World War I to prove to the world how useless they are.

Max Planck, an obsessive in physics dude, who was probably bullied in school, introduces the quantum theory which is not the PSP 3 video game but something to do with the fact that energy is released in quantas of wavelengths. It will only be confirmed much later that Bond, James Bond, releases his quantum of solace for the fact that it wasn’t the British to have come up with the amazingly confusing formula. To eternal happiness and young looking skin…

1910-1940s
The implementation of the daylight saving time is established with the aim to have more nighttime for amusement and entertainment. Thanks to daylight saving time we now have night clubs and strip clubs and Las Vegas where we can spend much longer nights than we would have before 1916. But whatever happens at night remains as stains on your sheets and a terrible hangover the next day.

It’s about the year 1912 that I’m not going to mention Titanic and Leo because there are many sensitive readers out there and I don’t want to upset you more than James Cameron has.
But hold thy breath, there’s a new episode coming – perhaps they will save all passengers after all, only to make them join the army and die in World War I or II (limited seats).

"Jack, either here or in the trenches..."

“Jack, either here or in the trenches…”

During the 1920s and 1930s it becomes popular for foreigners to apply for citizenship to go and live in the neighbouring countries. The most successful immigrants are even granted political leadership. The famous Austrian arts-student, a very short dude called Adolf and the Georgian (as in Gruzia, not Atlanta) comrade Stalin (but don’t mix him with any heavy metal rock group), are typical example.
Now, Adolf has some mother issues, while Joseph has a much shorter right leg.
In short, the two dudes get pissed off about the size of their moustaches so they coincidentally decide to cleanse humankind of all people who don’t have the right moustache.
Adolf is a great fashionista – he catwalks the biggest trends of all: blond haircut, straight Arian nose, third eye, and twelve toes (but never twelve fingers!).
Many people feel sad about being unable to keep up with the demands of the fashion world so they become very depressed. Thankfully, the Fascists offer support by setting up large rehab camps for everyone who can’t afford the haut couture.

Roosevelt, on the other hand, finds the European trends very daring.
And hairy.
He doesn’t know whether his people would want to follow these trends.
Besides, it is undemocratic to impose anything on anyone.
But since Roosevelt is disabled (he was also bullied in school. Mainly by Polio and his friends), the Japanese say it’s only fair that the Americans join in the fight otherwise they can kiss cheap Japanese cars and rice crackers goodbye.

1940s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, and other iis
It’s all about D-days, V-signs and more fabrics in the world of fashion.
Everyone begins to wear nylon stockings, while the Europeans finally refurbish their interior and pull beautiful iron curtains to stop the sun from casting light on everything that’s meant to remain in the dark.
The Germans like the idea of the curtains but believe more in the solid blocks, so they install a wall instead of curtains.
Now that the hot war is over, the trends are chunky knits and mittens for Cold weather.
In cold weather people also tend to eat more.
So they hunger for hamburgers.
For that reason Marshal comes up with the plan to sell McDonalds to all the good children in Europe, while Colonel Sanders spreads the rumour that fried chicken is better than celery.
In Britain, nevertheless, everyone follows the latest trend – the cigar.
More unions, pacts, and clubs open up at that time.
It’s so much in fashion to join a tennis club, a United Nations club, or a golf union, that everyone near and far hurries to sign up.
Not everybody, of course, gets accepted.
The membership fees and entry requirements are hefty.
Especially for hopefuls wearing red socks.

The mid 50s welcome Playboy, Playgirl and other players in the playroom, now that the old party players need something to spice up their lives with.
Around 1953 the remote control is invented and the world never stands up from its couch again.
No Suez canal blockages, decanalizations of colonies, assassinations, missile crises, genocides, civil wars, or famine can possibly move the world from its couch.
The TV is colourful.
The hair is beehive.
The trousers are bell bottoms, while the bottoms are bare.
People mourn the Beatles’ break-up and a mourner decides to revenge for it by killing one of the band’s members.
Elvis also dies so the Ethiopians decide to open a hunger strike right about 1985 during the famous famine.
Not sure what it’s famous for.
The world still doesn’t move from its couch, not before Angelina Jolie receives her Oscar, anyway.
The well-nourished part of the world is now so well fed that it’s had enough of food so it decides to get high, but not as high North in Korea because you don’t dare go there unless you want to join an exchange program from your school to one of theirs in nuclear weapons specialisation.
That, or if you fancy wearing a uniform when you go to bed.
After the world sobers up a little from high doses of Vietnam wars and poppy seeds, the Internet is invented with the aim to allow everyone to access porn whenever possible.
Now the whole world can sit forever on its couch, watch burgers being cooked on TV, while eating burgers, while believing it (the world) is still working out because it’s ‘surfing’ on the Internet.

And that, my dear child, summarises the world history as the objective of today’s lesson.
Now follow me to exhibition room Number 1287-6312 where you can enjoy a display of old children’s’ shoes, remains of the rehab camps from the…during the…one of the crises, or wars, or whatever.

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